There are some things that haunt me still. Though they have passed and I have been forgiven, I am hunted down and flayed open by these things standing like skeletons all about me. Words spoken in anger, choices made in the heat of the moment, looks shot and attitudes taken... I know that I am forgiven these lapses of judgement, especially because I recognize them as such and want to change, but still they haunt me. They haunt me because I have not changed. At my very core, I am still the sinful and hateful person I have always been, dancing with my boney friends to the funeral dirge of my inner joy.
Just because I decide I want to change doesn't always mean that I do change. Some things are so ingrained in me that I wonder if it is even possible to change any more. Like my habit of putting myself and my desire for comfort above others, I still struggle through moments that leave me angry and hurt and sadly unproductive.
I put myself on a pedestal.
Absurd, right? I thought so too when God gave me the title to this post. "But Lord," I argued, "I would never do such a thing! I don't want to be worshipped or hailed above others. I am no example to be looked upon with admiration." "And yet," the Lord whispered to my heart, "You insist on acting the way you do when you are wronged. If you don't put yourself up there, who does?" Wow. It stung me right to the core, but as always, my God is absolutely right.
At the basis of my bad behavior is pride, the very thing that lifts me onto that pedestal and shouts for all to come and see. I am prideful when I think that I don't deserve to be mistreated. It is pride that wants to shout my hurts and be validated in my crappy attitude. It is pride that brings me low when I am compared to others and find myself lacking. It is pride that has lifted me onto that pedestal every time.
Remember how we talked about Satan being a very unimaginative assailant? Well, pride is a way that he gets right into my heart and wreaks havoc once more. It isn't a new attack, in fact it is as old as the beginning of man. Just ask Eve. Pride is what felled her relationship with the Father right there in the garden under the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Pride caused her to doubt that God knew how to keep her safe and happy. Pride told her that God was keeping good things from her for no reason at all. Pride destroyed her chance of reaching the potential God had designed for her.
Pride has attacked others as well. Look up Job and his trials before God, check out David and his love affair with another man's wife, don't forget Moses and the Israelites in the desert for FORTY years... Are you picking up what I am putting down? Pride is nothing to court, rehearse or sing loudly to the crowd! It destroys our relationship with God because it puts us on our pedestals above the garden where He has longed to walk with us for centuries. Pride separates us from accepting His love in a free and trusting manner.
When I am tempted to think that "I don't deserve this treatment," I need to remember only one thing. Truly, I deserve nothing. Yes, you heard me correctly. I don't deserve anything but death because I am a sinful and hurtful and hateful human being and at every turn I will choose to sin in pride again. I deserve punishment for my abhorrent behavior. I deserve the fires of hell.
Luckily, I don't get what I deserve. Gratefully, I rejoice that God has chosen to grant me grace. Grace. Its nature is antithetical to my sense of justice, and thank goodness for that! God chooses to overlook my filthy rags of prideful behavior and He sees only the white and shining robes of His Son, lent to me because I have dirtied my own with sins galore. Christ readily hands me his robes and says, "Here, He will like this. Put it on, instead of your own. I don't mind, I gave all so that you can enter into His presence." I am humbled by that.
Humility is something that we have come to look upon as weakness in this day and age. Quite a shame, don't you think? I do. Humility is that one thing that combats Satan's pride attacks and it is what we run from because we are reticent to look weak. Hilarious! Funny only because we are absolutely weakest when we allow pride to dictate our reactions and not the true humility of God in our hearts. We are only as strong as our trust in the Lord to right the wrongs, mend our hearts and champion or causes. When we can lay those prideful burdens at His almighty throne we become so much stronger than any of Satan's attacks. When we are humble enough to admit our weaknesses to Christ and beg His grace fall upon us, we are then as strong as the one who is our true Champion. He alone is able, and I am incredibly grateful. Aren't you?
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