Trust me, I know how it feels to have the vice of God clamped down upon your chest, all of the air gone out like a three day old helium balloon. It is painful, confusing, frustrating and tear filled. Right there with ya, right now as a matter of fact! I have looked around me for the glaring mistake and found none. I have wandered the halls of human solution and found no doors ajar. I have sunk to my knees in prayer, tearfully begging my Lord to show me the way, to relieve me my burden, to enlighten my mind and heart to His desire. I have had no answer... Yet.
I am not calm in this endeavor, at least not all the time. I have moments of peace but nothing lasting. Each time the panic hits me it seems to ratchet up a notch and I am left in a sobbing heap, frightened and exhausted. I don't pretend to know what God is doing, but I do know some very basic truths.
God loves me, has from the start and continues to do so even now. I don't have to feel good to know this. I stand on the truth that He has promised to neither leave nor forsake me. I cling desperately to Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." This alone is my source of strength in this very confusing time. Of course I want a solution, I want to see the issues I am so desperately afraid of come to resolution in my favor. For whatever reason, God is slowing the pace down, stretching my faith, pruning my vine. I accept it, reluctantly.
I realize in my turmoil, my problems pale in comparison to others'. I watched a young woman on television who had been abducted and sexually assaulted at an extremely young age say a very profound thing. She said that if you carried your burdens in a sack to your circle of friends and sat and shared their contents openly with them, and they in turn shared theirs with you, by the end of the day you would be happy to retrieve your own bag and walk your own path, rather than anyone else's. Very wise council indeed. Anytime I think about how hard my life is, I try always to remember that someone else has it much harder than I do.
The last truth I am clinging to is hopeful, but proven time and time again. In the words of my Grandma, "This too shall pass..." (Yes, I know she wasn't the author, she's just the person I remember saying it to me over, and over, and over....) I know that tomorrow holds another challenge, time marches on and once this problem is resolved, I will have more issues to resolve, pray over and wait out with the Lord. When I am faced with those things, I hope I will remember to look back and relive the surety that God is still in control, He still loves me, my problems are for me, not against me and I can rest assured He is walking with me through the valleys as well as the mountain tops.
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