When did we become so easily offended? At what age did we decide that people owe us their respect and their understanding? I'm not sure when it happened with me, but I do know it happened. I get offended and I get offended often.
What part of me thinks that it is a correct response to any situation? Am I so often surrounded by people that would actually mean to offend me that I find it my right to demand their understanding and respect? No one owes me anything, truth be told. In fact, Jesus promises in the Bible that "In this world (I) will have trouble." Not a maybe or a consequence of bad behavior but a guarantee that because I am human and because I am alive, I better expect to meet trouble head on, because it is coming.
So what should my response be to the troubles of my life? Facts belie that I am a fairly sheltered individual and that most of my interactions are with people I know well. So why then am I so often battling the emotions that go along with feeling misunderstood, abused, or mistreated? Simple answer: my sin nature.
It is intrinsic in us that we should walk this earth expecting and demanding to have our needs met. From the time we are babies, resting at our mother's breasts, we begin to view the world around us in the light of what it can do for us. Hopefully, at some point, we grow out of the demanding attitudes of a toddler and become more willing to accept that the world does not revolve around us. Regretfully, this doesn't mean that that attitude leaves us forever.
It isn't until recently that I have begun to recognize being offended as a burden. If I don't take the initiative right away to confront the offense, I risk it growing into bitterness. (I delved into that pitfall earlier.) However, confrontation is not something I excel at.
When we talk about confrontation it can have vast negative connotations. I am not speaking of the all-out, screaming negativity that comes easily to mind. I am talking about confronting mostly myself. Yup, me. I tend to be the biggest offender. I have to honestly take a good look at what I think I need to be so terribly offended about and discern if I even have a case.
If I do feel like there has been an offense, I endeavor to pray about it. I ask God to help me decide if the offense is likely to become a burden to me and a seed of bitterness that would grow into a hedge that will separate me from the love I desperately need from the Father. If I fear that this is indeed the case, it is time for confrontation.
When someone says something or does something that hurts or offends me, remembering who they are, not the actual offense, is so incredibly helpful. After all, I don't tend to keep company with folks who intentionally say or do hurtful things just for the pleasure of it. I attempt with all my heart to approach the situation with this in mind.
One of the most valuable lessons I learned in counseling with my husband was to assume that he didn't intend to offend or hurt me. The second thing I learned that was equally invaluable was to ask at least one question and to be specific. No one wants to be assailed with a vague description or accusation. If we want specific results, we should be specific in our descriptions.
If someone has said something that I can't seem to let go of I approach them with, "When we were talking, you said 'this' to me... It hurt my feelings and/or offended me. I took your meaning to be 'this'... Did you mean to hurt me? or mean what I thought you meant?" That confrontation with your offender can be scary and heart pounding. But if they are who you think they are, they will likely not only be mortified that you have been hurt, but also may be quite shocked that their comment was taken in that context. Until you give them the opportunity to right the matter and clarify their meaning, only you stand to remain hurt over the situation. They likely have no clue that there is a situation that needs rectified and punishing them for something they don't have any idea they've done is far from fair.
Being offended takes so much energy and can frankly wear a sister out! It isn't any fun to be around either. I am sure all of us have a friend that is easily offended that we tip toe around on eggshells. It is exhausting! You never know when the conversation will suddenly become stilted and quiet and that will lead you to avoid them. Likewise, being the offended one is no pic-nic either! Carrying all those grudges and offenses is a heavy, heavy job! In the oft-quoted words of one Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along???"
Take a moment the next time you feel the sting of someones words that threaten to take up root in your heart. How well do you know them? Would they normally mean to hurt you? If not, pray quietly for God to remove the wound. If your prayer seems to go unanswered, consider prayerfully to confront in love that person who left you stinging. It may just lead to a deepening of your relationship and a healing of your heart. I know it will lead to a closer relationship with God when it is done in prayer.
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