Duplicity

Relax and be yourself... We've all heard the advice given, usually during those angst filled teen years. Isn't it ironic that we usually hear those words when the last thing we want to be is ourselves?

It is such a tricky thing to be ourselves, isn't it? And dangerous... What if who we are is not acceptable? What if we are ourselves and the people we so desperately want to impress are not, well - impressed? What if they are very loudly and vocally unimpressed with us and we are in turn very embarrassed? Being myself in those situations can be an exercise in humility and courage that I am not usually in possession of.

There have been times in my quest for maturity that I have attempted to not be me. I have tried on personas that just don't fit. I have come to realize I am not the demure quiet type, I am not a gourmet cook and I struggle to remain ensconced in serious endeavors for too long. I have learned valuable lessons each time I tried to be something other than myself, but the most striking lesson has to be that it is utterly exhausting to be something I am not.

I am often surprised that there are people in my life who love me for the very things that make me the fallible and irritatingly self absorbed person that I am. Hard to believe isn't it? All that stuff you try so hard to squash when you are "on your best behavior" is the stuff that makes you relatable to the friends who seek you out. Because of my mistakes, I am approachable. Because of my humor, I am a good companion. Because of my loudness, I am sought by those who seek to have a voice.

The thing about being out there and who you really are without apologies is frightening because it opens you to criticism from those who don't know you or never really knew you. It leaves you out in the open and hits you where you live... Appropriate for a Christian woman, I must admit.

Jesus, our eternal example, was exactly who He was, all day, every day. Granted, He didn't make mistakes and was completely without sin. That didn't stop Him from being EXACTLY who He was, though. It didn't keep Him from telling folks He was the son of God, even though it threatened His life. It didn't stop Him from making a scene in the temple turning over money lender tables and causing quite a raucous. It never kept Him from eating and hanging with the "wrong crowd," though it caused merciless gossip and speculation about His very person. Jesus was widely criticized, disliked by those in power and generally misunderstood by all but the "fringe kooks." He was not without a very loyal group of friends, however. His friends were drawn to Him for His honesty about who He was, even when they didn't fully understand what that all meant. If Christ can endure what He did with the grace that He did, so that I can be His, I can surely persevere through my meager trials which pale in comparison.

I count myself very lucky that I have at least two people in my life that know who I am, and still love me for it. One is my husband. He knows when to carry me away on quiet feet to a stow-away lunch and a stolen movie in the middle of the day to raise my spirits. He knows when I need a swift kick in the rear to get my focus pointed back... He knows me, and he still loves me. The other is my friend. She too has a way of letting me know she sees me... ALL of me. It is comforting and confidence inspiring. It is a wonderful thing to be safe in who you are and these people let me do just that.

I struggle with this blog at times. Who am I to write to anyone about what God may or may not be telling them? I have mistakes galore and still more to come, notched in my belt. I am not the picture of Christianity and have many, many - ahem - MANY faults that make me cringe when I think about putting my face out there. But the fact is, there was only one human-ish dude that had it all together without sin and with the right to preach without pause. He is thankfully, my Savior. I am not Him, nor do I pretend to be. But I can still be used. I can still have a voice and I can still impart truths that I have learned to others.

My hope has always been not that you would see me in this blog but that you would see whatever God wants you to see. I hope that what He wants you to see today is you and I hope that that seeing is uncluttered and glorious. That is how God sees you.... Take a look. He loves you just the way you are for exactly who you are